Bad Guy Pajama Party
by PinkApocalypse
Summary: Pajama parties are fun, so a pajama party with the bad guys of the Final Fantasy world would be a hoot, right?! At least we sure hope so for Seifer sake! You are invited, along with Sephioth, Kuja and a whole mess of villans, to Sir Almasy's first big
1. Patsy Problems

It's a party

Disclaimer:These character's aren't mine… they are Square's.Besides I only just found a penny in the street – it's the only money I have.So don't Sue me… I love my penny!Wait… it's a bottle cap sigh…**__** ** ** **BAD GUY PAJAMA PARTY**

Chapter One: Patsy Problems

By:The All Knowing, All Hating ROBINC and The Pink_Apocalypse 

**_IT'S A PARTY_** _You need a sleeping bag and a pair of pajamas.Also bring a pastry. Don't forget your toothbrush!_

_When:Friday 6:oo pm to Saturday 10:00 am.It might end earlier than that do to 'good guy' attacks. _

_Where: Sir Seifer Almasy's residence._

_Directions: Go to the world of Final Fantasy 8. In Balamb, go to the docks. There will be a man who looks like a bum with a big stick and a cranky albino. They will take you to my house. I would write down my address but this invitation might fall in to the wrong hands.Tell no one!_

**_Warning: talk to the albino at your own risk!!!!!!_**

_ _

Seifer adjusts his little pink apron and paces back and forth uneasily.Hearing a _ding_ from the kitchen he explains, "Oh Goody!"and rushes over to pull his rice crispy treats out of the oven.Humming 'Fithos Lusec Wecos' he cuts the squares into tiny medieval crosses and arranges them on a plate.Just as he puts the yummy little treats down on his coffee table between a bowl of punch and a bowl of Doritos the doorbell rings.Seifer dashes to the door throwing off his lovely apron and downing his classic evil trench coat.Hastily, he throws open the door only to be disappointed by the presence of Zell.

"What do you want Chickenwuss?!" 

Zell scratches his head in confusion, "Hey, isn't this MY house?"

"No!" Seifer shrieks and slams the door on his face.No sooner is the door slammed shut than frantic pounding can be heard.Annoyed, Seifer throws the door open and screams, "WHAT!!"

"The hell!I just checked my underwear and they have the address to this place written on them!"

"So, is it supposed to be my problem!"

"THIS is my HOUSE!!"Suddenly pounding can be heard coming from one of the closets.Seifer's eyes narrow as he hisses, "Shut up Zell's mom this conversation does not concern you!"

Zell cocks his head to the side, "Hey, was that my mom?"

"No… MY house has… um… rats!"

"That was no rat!MOM, MOMMY!!!"

Seifer rolls his eyes at Zell."Fine, if you must know:this is your house and I stole it!Don't look at me like that Chickenwuss, what was I supposed to do.I'm having a party tonight and Balamb only has two houses… and this one has two stories!It was by far the nicer of the two, so you should be honored I chose to steal your house!"Indignantly, he places his hands on his hips and looks down his nose at Zell."Besides, I am a BAD guy after all, the occupation does come with some perks.You see, if I was a pansy ass good guy like you I would be forced to wait from some president to croak or something before I could buy a house, but since I'm evil I can just steal yours instead of going through all that hassle.Now, if I give you back your mother will you get the hell out of here?!"

Zell stops shadow boxing and looks up at Seifer, "Uh… I guess that's okay."Then he grumbles to himself, "Since I'm obviously not going to get the house back, might as well get my mom."

Seifer smiles, obviously pleased with his ability to compromise in any situation and goes over to the closet.He grabs Zell's handcuffed and mouth-gagged mother and chucks her out the door.

Picking his mother up Zell asks, "Can I have my Grandpa's guns back and my T-board."

Seifer growls, "Fujin used your guns to pin a murder on you and Rajin road your T-board into the ocean!So go away!Now leave before I hurt you!"Zell stands there dumb-founded as Seifer hits him in the face with the door.  
***

~Meanwhile~

At the end of the dock Raijin turns to Fujin and mutters, "Hey, I wonder where all of Seifer's guests are, ya know?He's gonna be really disappointed if no one shows up, ya know?"Just them Fujin gabs him in the ribs and points to the other end of the dock.Rubbing his side Raijin looks over and sees a group of various bad guys clustered around a bum holding a stick standing next to an albino chick.Laughing he says, "Man!What are the odds, ya know?!"

Fujin's eye narrows and she shrieks, "RINOA.WIG.RUIN PARTY."

Raijin's eyes dart back for a moment as he tries translating Fujin's speech.Giving up he grabs a tiny Fujin translation guide from his pocket and thumbs through it."OH, ya know!That's Rinoa with a wig one over there standing next to Squall dressed up as a bum, ya know!They are trying to kidnap all the guests and ruin Seifer's party, ya know!"Moving over to the imposter bum and Albino Raijin yells,"Hey, look out, ya know!Those are GOOD guys, dressed up as bad guys, ya know?!"

"IMPOSTERS," Fujin agrees.

Rinoa blushes, and turns away from Sephiroth who she had been talking to."No… um… NO… THOSE are good GuYs PRETENDING we are good GUYS PRETENDING TO BE BAD GUYS!"

Fujin flashes a murderous glare at Rinoa for her poor impersonation of her speech, "RAGE!"

Squall steps back and mutters, "Whatever…. ya know".Pointing at Fujin and Raijin he says,"They are totally good guys… oh yea, ya know."

Rufus Shinra flips his hair and glares at the dual set of albinos and bums, "Now how are we supposed to tell who are the real patsies?"

Sephiroth shrugs, "I say we kill them all and sort out the bodies later!"

Kuja steps up whining, "If we do that we'll miss the party!And I went to all the trouble to bake a cobbler!" 

Reno from the Turks slides down his sunglasses, "Being a patsy myself, I know a patsy when I see one.Any true patsy can answer this question: 'How far would you follow your boss?"Crossing, his arms Reno steps back and says, "1. Nowhere, what boss?! I answer to no one!2. To the mini-mart3. To your death!"

Squall, pipes up first, "THREE!Definitely three… ya know."

Fujin rolls her eye, "WRONG." 

Reno smiles at Fujin and points at Squall and Rinoa, "Those are the fake patsies!All three answers are wrong. Any true patsy would know the real answer is 4. Until it's not convenient anymore!" 

Cracking their knuckles the bad guys advance on Rinoa and Squall who turn tale and run – never to be seen again… well in this fan fic anyway.With that confusion behind Fujin shouts "COME" and Sephiroth, Kuja, Rufus and the Turks, Kefka, Ultimacia, Adel, and Hojo follow Fujin and Raijin to Seifer's house. 

***Author's Notes***

Well that concludes Chapter One tune in next time for the "Monkey Patsy Rant" and much, much more evil humor with everyone's favorite Final Fantasy Villains!

And as always Robinc and The Pink_Apocalypse drop to their knees and shamelessly beg for reviews! 


	2. Chillin' Like a Villain

BAD GUY PAJAMA PARTY

**BAD GUY PAJAMA PARTY**

Chapter Two: Chillin' Like a Villain

By:The All Knowing, All Hating ROBINC and The Pink_Apocalypse 

Seifer is sitting on his couch polishing the Hyperion as the doorbell finally rings.Jumping up in delight he flips over the back of the couch and dashes to the door to greet his guests.Opening the door he shouts a welcome to the villains and grabs Raijin by the arm yanking him to the side.He hisses, "What took you so long!"

"It's a long story, ya know," Raijin mumbles.Fujin looks up from taking the various villains bags and states simply, "SQUALL."

Seifer's face turns red in rage, but before he can open his mouth to say anything Kuja is heard shrieking, "Oh! Oh! OH! Rice crispy treats!I love rice crispy treats!"

Grumbling, Seifer turns away from the other two members of the posse and says, "Alright, let's get this party started.Well… um… what do people do at these parties anyway?I know lets play a game!"

Kuja jumps up with rice crispy treats in his mouth, "I know!I know!Dress up!"

Sephiroth looks at Kuja annoyed, "What are we preschoolers or fearsome villains from whom all the world trembles?!!!"

Ignoring them Seifer tilts his head to the side and thinking out loud says, "How 'bout spin the bottle."His eyes shift from Ultimacia and Fujin to Kefka who winks at him and he quickly shouts, "Never mind."

Kefka grabs the plate of rice crispy treats from Kuja and says, "Well, we could always do each other's make up."

Adel and Ultimacia become instantly interested and shout, "Yes!" in unison.

Rufus grimaces and says flatly, "No thank you." 

Hojo steps forward and suggests, "How about 'My Pet Monster'?"

Adel turns to Hojo and raises an eyebrow, "How do you play that?"

Hojo pulls a set of dice out of his pocket and hands them to Adel.Adjusting his glasses he says, "Well you see, everyone roles the dice and the person who rolls the highest number gets to be eaten by my pet monster.If there is a tie - everyone gets eaten!Sounds like fun, right?"

Rufus and the Turks groan.Reno says, "What is it with you and funny creatures anyway!"

Hojo replies, "They are interesting!You would be amazed what you can do with a butterfly and a few Jenova cells,"

Suddenly Seifer is hit by a bolt of inspiration, "I know we can play 'Truth or Dare!'"

Everyone nods their heads in agreement and they all sit in a circle on the floor."Well since this is MY party I get to ask the first question!Kefka, Truth or Dare?"

"Truth!"

Seifer scratches his head thinking and then says, "Do you have to paint that make up on every morning?"

Kefka laughs, "Oh no!It's lead paint!Stays on better than the other stuff!That was far too easy of a question."Kefka stops and laughs his horrible sixteen-bit laugh and everyone in the room winces.Kefka stops laughing and declares, "Now it's my turn… um… Rufus, truth or dare!"

"Truth"

"Is it true that Seifer is your illegitimate son that you mailed away to the world of Final Fantasy VIII?"

Rufus grimaces, "No… that's absurd!"He turns to Turks and whispers, "You said you'd take care of that!"

Tzeng rolls his eyes and whispers back to his boss, "Sir change the subject, everyone's staring at you."

Rufus flips his hair and quickly says, "Raijin, truth or dare?"

"Dare, ya know!"

"I dare you to French Kiss… Kuja!"

"AHHH!! No way, ya know!"

Rufus laughs manically and Kuja says, "Pucker up baby!"

Raijin casts a forlorn glance at Seifer who simply smirks. "You the one who asked for a dare in a room full of bad guys."

Pouting Raijin reluctantly leans over and kisses Kuja on the cheek.Rufus smirks evilly, "No way Raijin, you can't get of that easy. Tongue."Grumbling Raijin kisses Kuja again and the jumps back shrieking GROSS, ya know!"as he runs to the kitchen and gargles with peroxide.He comes back in the room with white foam coming out of the corner of his mouth.

"Okay, my turn, ya know!Seifer, truth or dare, ya know?"

Seifer still light headed from laughing so hard says, "Dare." Suddenly his eyes narrow and he says, "No, wait! Truth, Truth!"

Raijin smirks, "Too late, you said dare, ya know. So, you have to streak the Garden, ya know!"

Fujin raises an eyebrow, "INTERESTING." Kuja also raises an eyebrow.

"Fine, I'll do it, but I'll do it later, we have to finish our game."

"How do we know you will actually do it, ya know?"

Seifer leans back, "I give you my word."

All of the villains laugh and Ultimacia adds,"Kome on!"

Seifer's eyes narrow, "My word on my hatred of Edea!"

Raijin looks confused, "Your hatred of Edea?I thought you we're like her knight, ya know?"

Seifer crosses his arms, "Ya, I used to be all M'lady this and M'lady that until M'lady left me high and dry with the check to pay out of my hide while she went off and had it good the whole way through the game!!Do you know what I hate more than anything else in the world, including Squall and Chickenwuss, bad guys who turn GOOD!!!Everyone knows that a bad guy has it good up until the end of the game.Our great plot is working out, we are aggravating the good guy, we are laughing, and generally having a good time for ourselves.Hell, we are unbeatable until our last climatic battle!All and all it's a pretty good gig! The heroes on the other hand are stuck with the short end of the stick!They can't do squat right, their lives literally fall apart in the middle, half the time they aren't even really who they thought they are and the are chasing us around shrieking 'NOO' all the time while we're shrieking 'YES!'.Being a hero pretty much sucks!!Until the end, of course, when out of the blue everything finally falls into place and the bad guy is tragically beaten." Seifer wipes away a tear and continues, "Sure they get the better ending, but hell they've earned by the time they get there!However, these _bad guys gone good_ have it sweet the whole way through the game!They have the great beginning of a villain _AND_ the happily ever after of a hero!They are sellouts!No one deserves it good all the way through the game, especially not traitor who can't decide whose side they are on!!!Now, _good guys gone bad_ – THERE is something to be respected!!!!They have the worst possible role imaginable.They pay the dues of a good guy in the beginning and then they turn around and have to pay the dues of villain in the end.You know a good guy gone bad is doing what they do because they really believe in it they are not just going for the-"

Raijin interrupts Seifer, "Enough, ya know!!!I think you're just trying to get out of streaking the Garden now, ya know."Seifer glares at him. 

Rude pipes up in the silence, "That's the problem with villains now days they are just to long winded."

Fujin nods, "AGREED"

Rude starts to reply, "The always gotta have these…" 

Rude trails off and Elena steps in to finish for him."Ya, what Rude's trying to say they always gotta have these long winded speeches when they could just sum up what they are trying to say in one or two words.But instead they have to be all flashy and just keep talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking-"

Fujin cuts in saying, "RAIJIN. RESPOND."

"Ya, like Fuu is saying whatever happened to villains who just say what they mean and don't go on talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talkin – OUCH, Fujin why did you kick me. Ya know?!"

"MORON."

"Oh, yea, I mean whatever happened to villains who are short sweet and to the point, ya know"

Kefka nods his head and agrees, "Yes, villains today aren't like they used to be in my day.They just love to hear their own voices so much, they get side tracked and keep talking when they really have nothing left to say. Their attention spans are so…. Ooooo 3-D Doritos! How novel! They are all puffy and triangular. I bet some one would choke really easily on these… and we could hear them scream and I love to hear people scream… only they wouldn't be able to scream too well since they would have something stuck in their throats… although I bet they would make kind of a neat gurgle noise-"

Kuja cuts Kefka off starts jumping up and down whining, "I wanta play the GAME!!"

Sephiroth groans, "Well that was a very long pointless tangent to get off on just to try and avoid streaking the Garden."

Adel leans forward to grab a Mountain Dew and accidentally pokes Hojo with her antenna.Hojo grumbles, "I've been poked by bigger freaks that you."Adel ignores him, takes a gulp of her soda and then spits it out all over Hojo who merely grumbles.

Ultimacia stands up saying, "Kut it out! Kome Seifer!Prove you are not all talk!"

Seifer jumps to his feet, "Yes, M'lady!"and the villains scamper off toward the Garden.

***Author's Notes***

Okay so maybe this wasn't the Monkey Patsy Rant… we got a little side tracked.The _VILLIANS _made us do it!But next time… Next time not only will we have the Flunkey Monkey rant but Seifer will streak the garden!And come on ya can't miss that!!

Hey – Hey anybody see some sort of weird similarity between Fujin and Rude and Elena and Raijin…. humm… kinda makes ya think…

Oh ya! Thank you all so much for loving us and leaving such nice reviews!We love good reviews!So more would be even better!!Bye now!Until next time – BE EVIL! 


	3. The Flunkey Monkey

**BAD GUY PAJAMA PARTY**

Chapter Three: The Flunkey Monkey 

By:  The All Knowing, All Hating ROBINC and The Pink_Apocalypse 

_The List_

_Brown paper bags_

_Lighters _

_Toilet paper_

_A whole lot of eggs_

Sighing Raijin scans _The List_ quickly and shakes his head at Seifer.  "What is it with you and lists, ya know?"

Seifer shoots Raijin an icy glare and says, "If you must know they are extremely handy!  Without a list it is incredibly easy to forget what to get at the store or the names of those you hate!"

"Most people remember who they hate without a list cuz… well they just do, ya know?"

"Well most people probably don't hate as many people as I do now shut up and get in the minivan Raijin!"  

As Seifer climbs into the driver's seat Kuja, Kefka, and Hojo rush toward the Van screaming, "Shotgun, Shotgun, I call SHOTGUN!!!"  Shoving Kefka and Hojo to the ground Kuja dashes over to the front passenger's seat and yanks the door open.  His triumphant smile fades as he suddenly realizes he is staring down the black barrel of Rufus Shinra's gun.

Backing up Kuja whines, "Nooooo faaaaiir!  I called Shotgun first!"

Rufus smirks wickedly and flips his hair.  He looks down his nose at Kuja and says condescendingly, "Well yes you did but I have the shotgun so I win."  Kuja opens his mouth to argue so Rufus racks the gun chambering a round.  Sweat dropping Kuja turns around and heads for the backseat squeezing in between Hojo and Adel who stop trying to bite each other only long enough for him to buckle up. 

Ignoring the squabbling Seifer yanks some wires out from under the dashboard and starts trying to hotwire Zell's mom's minivan and they're off.  

Reno, who happens to be quite smashed in the very back seat of the van where all of the patsies have been forced to cram, lets out with a loud roar "I've had it! Man am I sick of this crap!!  Patsy's have got the bum rap – too cool to be good and too lovable to be eViL!"

Raijin nods boisterously, "Amen to that, ya know."

Elena chimes in, "You tell 'em Reno!"

Rude pears over his sun glasses and adds, "…"

Fujin looks at Rude shocked for a moment and then agrees with him, "AFFIRMATIVE."

Reno takes a swig of some substance wrapped in a brown paper bag and continues, "The stuff we are really hated for is not even our idea in the first place.  I mean knock down a whole section of the city to squash a single bar – I mean good idea boss!  If I where in charge you know how I would have handled things? I would have just posted flyers all over Midgar saying free topless dance at Seventh Heaven and watched the animals tear the place apart!   And then if Rude didn't demolished the place single handedly I sure plenty of other bums in the city would have been happy to finish the job!"  Tzeng smirks, Rude blushes, and Reno pauses to take another swig from the container in his hand.  "And like following around the cleavage queen Sorceress Edea was really Fujin and Raijin's idea – I mean Fujin's a girl and Raijin doesn't even know what girls are"

Raijin quickly chimes in, "Yeah, ya know," then he pauses and scratches his head, "Wait a minute…"  

Fujin leans over Tzeng to smack the befuddled Raijin in the back of the head, "INSULT"

"Hey that was low – don't call Fuu a girl, ya know!"  

Fujin grits her teeth and smacks Raijin again, "IMBICIL!"

"Ouch, I was just standing up for ya, ya know."

Reno kills the rest of his bottle and tosses it out the back of the car.  The empty bottle flies though the air and smacks Zell in the head who happen to be trying to chase down the vehicle on foot.  As he flips over falling into a ditch the tattooed martial artist shrieks, "I'm not likin' this story very much!!!!!!!!!"

Fujin smirks.  But Raijin yells, "HEY, ya know.  No littering, ya know!  I am be evil but it's everyone's environment – we all have to share it, ya know." The entire Shinra Company turns and stares at Raijin dumbfounded. 

 Rufus reels around, "You aren't one of those environmentalists are you?  One of those bloody planet huggers?"  He racks the shotgun.

Raijin starts to cry, "No, ya know.  But what about all my fishes, ya know!  Maybe the bottle could roll into the ocean, ya know.  And one of my fishes could swim into to it and get stuck, ya know.  And then I couldn't catch it and gut it, ya know!"

Fujin leans over and pats Raijin on the back.  Seifer takes his hands off of the wheel and turns to Rufus, "Don't point that at my patsy – besides how many times are you going to rack that thing!  A shot gun – contrary to popular RPG belief only chambers one round."  Rufus lowers the gun and grumbles, "It's a double barreled shot gun."  Seifer suddenly throws the van in reverse and backs up at 89 mph.  

Zell stands up rubbing his head, "Man, that bottle nearly killed meeeeeAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"  And the last thing Zell saw before the world went black was the reflection of Seifer's smiling face in the rear view mirror.  As Chicken Wuss sailed through the air the van screeched to a halt and Raijin hopped out and retrieved the empty bottle from the side of the road.  As Raijin goes to climb back into the mini van a strange blue haired man with flipper hands walks up to the van.  "Oh, thank you ever so much for stopping.  I was just on my way to Spira when I realized that when you finally die you end up in the world of FFVIII – Oh, RUFUS!  I saw you at that dead man's convention last week how is the healing process going? "

Rufus looks besmirched, "What are you talking about flipper I'm not dead!"

Seymour shakes his head sadly, "Admitting your dead is the first step to a happy afterlife – but accepting it is the last thing you want to do if you want to reek evil on the world."

Rufus raises an eyebrow, "I'm not DEAD!"

Tzeng shifts uncomfortably in the back seat – "Um… sir…"

"Shut up Tzeng – I don't want to hear it!"

Seymour smiles and then looks in the van, "OH A PARTY!!! Wait, how come I wasn't invited?"

Seifer shifts in his seat, "Well, Seymour there are a couple of reasons.  First, you are dressed like an octopus.  Second, your evil plan was forcing some one to marry you."

Hojo, cuts Seifer off, "Well, love affairs can be evil.  Did you ruin her other lover's life?"

 Seymour shifts uncomfortably, "Well…. no"

"Um… did you make mutant children?" 

Sephiroth glares at Hojo, "Dead beat father."

Hojo turns to Sephiroth, "Well you always where such a mama's boy."  Grumbling he turns back to Seymour, "Well, any mutant children?"

"Um… no"

"Did you at least laugh manically while you did it?"

"Not really… but I did wear a funny hat!"

Hojo glares at him, "Well that's not evil that's just desperate!"

The other villains nod in agreement.  

Seymour sniffles, "But you let Kuja come and he really didn't do anything either."

Seifer sighs "Oh, oh alright – but none of your patsies can come.  The Guado are just annoying and that puts them in the same boat as those damn Black Mages.  Get in the van."

Seymour perks up and happily jumps in the van accidentally slapping Kefka in the face on the way in.  As a small fight breaks out in the front, the van pulls off again with Raijin shrieking, "Wait, ya know!" and running as fast as he can behind the speeding vehicle.

Reno, yawns, and says, "Were was I?  Oh, ya that's right.  Patsies have a bum rap!  We get blamed for everything and we're just following orders."  All patsies nod, except Raijin who is still chasing the van.   "I swear you could train a monkey to do our jobs.  You tell the patsy to push a button he goes and does it, something blows up, and they're mad at the pasty for the rest of the game!  But, you train a monkey to push a button and everybody says look at the cute monkey!  Good Monkey – do you see a kind of hypocrisy there!"

Fujin nods, "TRUE"

Reno crosses his arms "I think the problem lies in society, not the patsy.  Besides, its not like evil people are the only ones with patsies, heroes have 'em too – there are just called friends.  When 'friends' do something stupid they just learn to forgive them – while if a patsy does something stupid they just end up slaughtered – often by the hero!  Hypocrites I tell ya! Alright, I'm done."

Meanwhile, in the front of the van Ultimacia finally gets Seymour to quit slapping Kefka by threatening to twirl a stick and dance. When all settles down Seymour asks, "So, where are we going anyway?"

Seifer turns around to answer again letting go of the wheel, "We are going to vandalize the garden but first we have to…"

Elena shrieks completely ignoring the fact that the van is careening down the road out of control at well over 125 mph, "Wait Seifer that's MY job!   Letting information slip is the only thing I'm good for!"  Seifer shrugs, "Whatever.  AHAA!!!"  His face contorts in agony, " I can't believe I just said that!!  AHHAA!"  As Seifer continues to freak out the van swerves and nearly wanders off the road into a Dincht.

As the van screeches to a halt, Raijin comes running over, "Yay, ya know! Seifer, you came back for me ya know!"

Seifer looks around confused, "Oh, I must have driven in a circle while I was freaking out."  As Seifer composes himself Raijin climbs back onto the back of the van and Elena explains in more detail that Seymour cared to know the plan to stop at a warehouse supply store to stock up on… well supplies to vandalize the Garden, and carry out Seifer's dare.

  ****Author's Note****

Ok, so we took some of our own advice – this was rather evil.  We made you all wait over a year and then we still didn't give you Seifer streaking.  Hey, but at least we gave you the Monkey Patsy Rant – and you know we are still alive (Barely!!)  So  - stay tuned for next time the villains run wild in Costco and Seifer finally strips down to his birthday suit and streaks the garden!  Until then – Be EVIL!

****


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